Wednesday, June 15, 2005


I'd like to hereby announce the foundation of the CHURCH OF AWESOME!!!!!! on this day, the whateverth of June, in the Awesome year of 24,567,043,221 AFY.

Many of you may not be familiar with the tenets of this great religion, and so I, Big Goddamn Pope For Life Awesome bin Fricasee I, shall endeavor to enlighten you. Rest assured that you all meet the criteria needed to be made privy to this information. Otherwise I'd have been forced to resort to a round of Instinct Clarification and submit you to a full Internal Glaxicom Reconstitutional.

Should you choose to disseminate this information, be aware that you forfeit your rights to sentience in regards to the CHURCH and thereby become a Token Bretheren slated for Occupational Reinhabitance.

The CHURCH OF AWESOME!!!!!! is based on the principles of being completely awesome at all times. Its tenets were brought to this Earth 24,567,043,221 years ago by a giant goddamn flaming tyrannosaurus named Beezu. Unlike all the other dinosaurs of the time, Beezu believed that being entirely fucking awesome was the path to true enlightenment, and so he went around eating all the dinosaurs who disagreed with him. Since all most dinosaurs did at the time was sit around and sink into tar pits and stuff, Beezu pretty much had a smorgasbord on his tiny little vestigal hands.

It was all good for awesomeness when another awesome thing from outer space, a gigantic space asteroid named Floorplan, came crashing to Earth to try to stop Beezu's awesomeness. While Floorplan was a creature of awesome, he hated Beezu because he knew Beezu was far more awesome than some giant goddamn rock from space, and so he tried to destroy the world by thrusting himself at it with great speed. While this didn't eradicate all awesomeness from the planet, it did destroy Beezu and most of the dinosaurs Beezu hadn't yet eaten. The CHURCH knows this as The Great De-Awesomnification.

Ironically, this disaster didn't completely destroy Beezu; rather, it made Beezu a god. Beezu gained great powers of awesome from this, and surviving an asteroid attack made him even more awesome. He began preaching awesomness to the lesser beings, the small lame mammals and huge awesome plants and stuff. Eventually a bunch of monkeys turned into people, and Beezu was about to eat them when he thought a moment and realized, "Hey, one day these people will be pirates and ninjas and zombies and robots. I shall let them live, and they shall be my Agents of Awesome." To this end he inserted transmitters, called "Bluvins," into all of the new people so that the people would be driven to make more people and thus create more awesomeness. For males the Bluvins became "pecs" and "balls," and for females, they became "boobies."

Unfortunately, Floorplan wasn't dead forever. He had become part ofthe Earth and began to slowly corrupt people's Bluvins. What once was a simple source of awesome (balls and boobies) became also a source of lame. Mostly because my stupid religion needs an antagonist. So anyone you hate has lame Bluvins, whereas you have awesome ones.

To this day Beezu fights lame Blevins with the hope of restoring Awesomeness to all. See how quickly you understand my secret jargon?

The tenets of the CHURCH are as follows:

  • Don't not be awesome. This one ought to be self-explanatory. If you feel the desire to be lame, that's your lame Bluvins talking. Report to a local AWESOME CENTER for Delamenification.

  • Don't kill people. Every religion needs this one so it can say, "We discourage murder, so you can't sue us because it's not our fault our Head High Archbishop slaughtered 37 children." Really. This is the most important commandment in the CHURCH from a legal standpoint. *wink*

  • Don't hoard your money from the CHURCH. This is very important. Your personal assets lead to lame Bluvins; just look at Donald Trump and Paris Hilton. Your best bet is to give us all your possessions for safe-keeping while you awesomnify.

  • Eat every goddamn diplodicus. This is more a holdover from Orthodox Awesomeness. Since there are no diplodicuses left in the world, this is often interpreted as, "Beat up fat people" or, "What the hell does that mean?"
  • The agents of Floorplan are everywhere. Anyone who disagrees with you is obviously a Floorplanian with uber-lame Bluvins. Ignore them, or better yet, kick them in their Bluvins for justice.

  • Beezu is watching you. Beezu likes to watch stuff, and he loves to watch you as you bumble through your daily life. The lamer you are, the more Beezu watches you, and really, who likes to be watched by a giant flaming ghost dinosaur in the sky? You can Beezu to stop watching you temporarily by sending me $25 per five-minute period of time.

  • Give me some money. Seriously. If you don't, you're full of lame Bluvins and get to be destroyed by my black PR campaigns. I'll tell all your friends that you suck.

The most important thing to note is that one day Beezu will return to Earth and eat all living creatures who are lame. This is meant to frighten you into compliance, particularly with the tenet wherein you give me money.

Oh, and also, this isn't the deepest secrets of the CHURCH OF AWESOME!!!!!! Only those who have reached the top levels of the CHURCH can learn its awesomest secrets, which involve water pumps, Chee-tos, and ninjas. Seriously, that shit is awesome. So give me some money.

All hail Beezu and the awesome Bluvins, Amen.