Thursday, June 09, 2005

Nothing Exciting Ever Happens to Me

I'm starting to realize that I lead a pretty boring life. I'm not really complaining, because things are pretty awesome: I'm getting married in less than a year, I have two awesome cats, I am actually doing some writing for a game at work, my fiancee is rising in the ranks at her job, etc. I'm not talking about a lack of stuff happening. I mean interesting stuff.

To clarify, I consider the following things to be "interesting stuff":

  • Ninjas

  • Tornadoes

  • Explosions

  • Being attacked by guys with piranhas for hands

  • Getting shot with a laser

  • Emeril

  • Tractors with jet engines

  • Swimsuit models asking me stuff

  • Black currant jelly

If you go back through all of my entries in this journal, none of the above things have ever happened to me. It sucks.

Sometimes I just sit there at dinner or hanging out with my friends and try to think of something interesting that happened that day. Like, I feel like something did happen, but I can't remember it, like Tommy Lee Jones came in after and shined me. Like, I'm not really spending most of my time at a computer in an office, but rather I'm out saving crippled people from Sudden More Grievous Crippledness or performing surgical strikes for the Special Forces in Afghanistan (are we still killing people there?). It sucks when the most interesting things I can say are "I might run a game of Angel" or "Man, my Defender sure can't solo."

Then I look at where I'm coming from. I am a treasure trove of mid-level trivia from The Dukes of Hazzard (in an alternate universe, there is a long post on this site poking fun at the Dukes, but in our universe it got eaten by Blogger). I can laugh for hours about the rules nuances of the World of Darkness or D&D. Sometimes I am aghast at how much of a geek I am, and sometimes I just think, "Man. If only I could run into some black currant jelly."

So I figured, why bother with it? Why worry about why I'm not Action Man when I can help others with the knowledge I do have?

And so, I present A Bunch of Ways to NOT to be Action Man:

  • Don't go outside: A lot of people get this one wrong. In general, if you go outside, you can't avoid being involved in some sort of dramatic action sequence. Even just driving to the store gets you stuck in the pathos of shaking your fists at other drivers and mental struggles with traffic lights. Not only that, but there are attractive women out there whose jobs it is to walk around the streets to spice up your driving experience. Also, going outside on sunny days could lead to Sports.

  • Don't play or watch sports: Sports is the death of the Anti-Action Man. Western legend is built on physical prowess, and sports are the best way to display physical prowess short of building an ark or having a gang-bang competition (which is sorta like a sport). You may think you're just tossing a football around, but before long you're leaping about and diving and high-fiving and being whisked off to outer space to fight the Kodan Armada. Besides, sports can lead to Being in Shape.

  • No Exercise: Exercise is the #1 killer of the sedentary lifestyle. Nothing kills off a good gut like getting rid of it. Exercise involves a lot of moving about and heavy breathing, and that never helped anyone avoid interesting things. If you feel you need to work off a little energy, the best bet is to sit on the couch and dangle things at the cat. The cat's insane runnings about will exhaust you and burn off that energy by proxy.

  • Cocaine is not your friend: Cocaine is an excellent way to have an interesting life. It may be awfully appetizing, looking all white and vaguely chalk-like, but don't do it. One sniff of cocaine and you're grinding your dirty boots into Eddie Murphy's expensive couch or writing episodes of Scooby-Doo with veiled drug references like, "Hey Scoob, wanna go get high and engage in buggery?" or, "Rey Raggy, Drugs are Rawesome for rildren!" Cocaine also enables you to vibrate your molecules through solid objects, which often leads to High Adventure.

  • Master the *tsk*: Whenever someone is excited about something, make sure you go, "*tsk*." Example: "Hey, want to go and pick up some free gold ingots at the gold-giving-away place?" "*tsk.*" Part of avoiding action is making sure your close friends get no action as well. The best way to do this is to show utter disdain for anything they care about. Younger, hipper Internet kids can replace "*tsk*" with "meh" to have the same result but with more likelihood of being punched for being annoying. That makes "meh" risky because being punched is generally considered action.

  • Have a busted-ass car: Cars are anathema for the anti-action set. If your car is perfectly fine, you're likely to just randomly get up and go traipsing off to the mountains, where action is a way of life. The slightest paranoid car problem can put the kibosh on that for sure. Personally, I prefer the "Mysterious Slow Leak in the Front Passenger's Side Tire That Remains No Matter How Many Times You Change the Tire on That Wheel." Strange noises and no shocks in the back are good options, as well. In general, if your mom would yell at you for driving in your car, you're good to go.

  • Spend time making lists on your petulant blog: This one ought to be self-explanatory. If not, let me know and I'll give you a list of reasons why this works.

  • Have a condition: Any condition can do, as long as you can look at someone, shake your head, and say, "I have a condition." Stomach conditions are good, because they are usually a side-effect of being sedentary anyway, and people generally don't want to think about what happens when your condition flares up. The classic example is the headache, but you can use your imagination, unless your condition is "lack of imagination." In which case, screw you. Your condition sucks.

  • Have strong opinions about pop culture: This is a touchy one, because strong opinions, even about the stupidest crap like Vulcan sex drives, can lead to violent verbal or physical confrontations and thus, action. Used skillfully, however, your strong opinions can shoo away people who might seek to force action upon you, particularly girls who might bring you some sex. You get extra points if you can argue your strong opinions on an online forum or in a petulant blog, and extra double points if your blog has lists.

That's not everything, but that's hopefully enough to get you started. If you have any questions, leave me alone.