Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Pre-emptive Anal Web Fanboy Review of Constantine (by BlazerFan017)

Okay man, I haven't even seen the new Constantine movie. I've only seen the trailers and stuff. I have to say, as a long-time reader of the Hellblazer comics, I am disappointed.

First off, dude. What is up. Neo is Constantine? what is up with that?! They could have picked any Englishman in the universe to play Constantine, but they went with Keanu, probably because Keanu was wandering around muttering to himself about "squiddies" and "machines," and someone saw him, asked him to say "demons" instead, and just filmed him. I mean, c'mon. Constantine has blond hair, and Keanu has brown hair. WTF?!

Plus, Constantine's typical scummy acquaintances have been replaced with Rachel Weisz?!! Dude, she was pretty hot in the last part of The Mummy and stuff, but her knees are way too sharp. I would have rather put like, Kate Winslet or something in there. Rachel Weisz is WAY below my standards.

And then Constantine is like, fighting evil and stuff? Hey, Hollywood, this is comic is written by an ENGLISHMAN lol. There's no evil fighting in English comics. Just a bunch of snide conversation with moments of real insight surrounded by just standing around being cool and figuring out new ways to hold a cigarette. Sometimes someone complains about American beer, and then there's a part where someone complains about Ren Faires (sorry LustyWench_073!).

And Keanu! He is sooooo crap. Did you remember that part in Matrix where he was like, "I need more guns," and then some guns came out, and he was like, "Whoa." And then Trinity had this expression like she didn't care and was like, "Whatever, I see this every day." And then did you see the part where Keanu had to make out with Monica Bellucci, and she was like, "In order to get what you want, you have to make out with me," and Keanu was like, "Let me think about it," and Trinity goes, "Hey bitch, not with my man," and then Trinity walked up and made out with Monica Bellucci and they were all over the floor and stuff, and then they looked at me and went, "Hey BlazerFan017, can you help us out with having sex?" and I was like "Okay!"

Anyway, Keanu sucks. I think they should have used someone more edgy and underground like Gary Busey. Or Jeremy Irons or something. Or like, Dennis Leary. It doesn't matter though, because I would have hated whoever they picked.

Oh man, I hope they do that part in issue #47 when Constantine does that thing where he's in the trenchcoat. That was so awesome. But I bet they won't. They just want to take out all the cool stuff, replace it with crap, and like, kick all us loyal fans in the balls. Hey Hollywood, we are the ones who pay your salaries at $13 a pop. You better watch yourselves! There better be no mistakes or I will see them on one of my 6 viewings, and I will discuss them with the people camping out with me for tickets, and post them on the Internets (hee hee) for all to see, and then no one will ever go to a movie again ever j/k lol.

If I made this movie, Constantine would be English and he would come to America and complain about American beer and how he can't smoke in bars (but he will smoke anyway and kick anyone's ass who told him to stop). Then he would show up at my upcoming fanfic convention and there would be a demon and Constantine would kill it by telling it about how cliche it was and shaming it into oblivion. Then he would do something cool, and we would all go out for beers (real ones). Then some hot girls would come by and me and Constantine would go do them. Like, Monica Bellucci's unfamous twin sisters lol roofles.

Anyway, I hate Constantine because Hollywood wants to destroy my childhood and pee all over the modern world's fine literature, which includes Hellblazer and Buffy.

--BlazerFan017 out! ~'~,~<@ <=======|}===+ <(^*^)>