Jumping to Conclusions: Resident Evil 4

After thirty minutes of Resident Evil 4, I feel entirely qualified to say that I just don't get it.

If you read the reviews linked above, you'll learn that this is the best survival horror game EVER. It's like the Halo 2 of survival horror, except that Halo 2, as the best game ever, is already the Halo 2 of survival horror. I just don't see it.

What I see is awkward controls, a camera view that makes me feel like I'm running forward at a diagonal, an aiming system that makes wild shots the norm, and enemies that have none of these limitations. I can't dodge attacks without running, I don't have enough bullets to really shoot the guys coming at me, and while I don't operate like a truck anymore, I operate like a drunken suicide case who has to stand still to shoot a gun. Needless to say, the swarms of guys who each take nearly an entire clip to kill tend to take me out with Olympic ease.

Maybe I'm a big retard. Maybe I'm too busy thinking about tomorrow's field trip to McDonalds to actually be any good at the game. Other people seem to like it. Other people seem to like it a lot. They seem to have discovered bosses and other cool bits, while I tend to die to the Spanish Fast Zombie Clones over and over. But damnit, the game controls horribly. I can't get past that.

Yeah, you get to jump through windows and kick people's heads and knock over ladders and stuff, but that's essentially just pressing A. I have yet to think, "Man, I just did something cool!" Instead, I think, "I just pressed A and watched something happen!" Likewise, I don't feel like a crack secret agent who has been through zombie hell. I feel like a rookie at a firing range who hasn't learned that mobility in a firefight could save his life.

I assume it gets better; it has to. Otherwise all the reviewers are retarded. I'll give the game another shot, but maybe I need someone to explain to me what makes the game good. I'm missing something, and that something is the key to having fun in the game.