Friday, November 05, 2004


I haven't played Halo 2 yet at all, but I am still going to write a review of it, because it's my website, and shut up.

Video games are there to play. When you go into a video game store, you go there to look at video games and buy them. You don't go there to get jumped and beaten to within an inch of your life by the TWO BLADED AXE OF AWESOMENESS. You just don't expect that.

We all know the truth, so here it is: Halo 2 is so awesome that you don't even need to play it. Now stop reading this review and go into the future so you can buy the game. Why are you still here? Unless you already went to the future, bought the game, and came back to the past in the exact moment that you left. In which case, I apologize.

Most of the time when you play a game, you're playing it because you don't know what's going to happen next. What challenge will ensue? How will the dastardly villain escape? What new ways will you use crates to save the world? Well, Halo 2 removes ANY NEED TO PLAY THE GAME because you already know what will happen. You will be so overcome with awesomeness that you will urinate your brain out of your pee pee.

Halo 2 will have sex with a supermodel and then tell you about it. It will come home and feed your cat while you're at work all night. It will read to you while you're drifting to sleep. It will gently massage your shoulders while you watch TV. And then it will shove its foot right up your ass and make you walk around.

The guns in Halo 2 are so awesome that you can't believe it. You can even carry two guns, and if you're really good you can probably carry like twelve guns at once, and if you can't figure out how to do it, you're a loser.

The best part about Halo 2 is the multiplayer, because sitting on your couch talking outloud while you're playing a game with headphones on is AWESOME and should be destroyed. You can even play this game with no pants on, but it might sterilize you because it's so cool your sperm can't handle it. Your girlfriend will come over, take one look, and perform oral on the TV. If you don't have a girlfriend, it'll be your one hot cousin, which is kinda creepy, but hey... I didn't make the damn game.

Halo 2 will sell your house out from under you and use the money to buy a rocket ship just to blast off and land on you while you're walking to work. It's that awesome.

I feel the taste buds burning off my tongue as I write about it. Halo 2 has already defeated Manchester United. It is the President of the United States. It knows how to count backwards from a million without messing up even once. It shoots staples out of its eyes and can make your pants fly off by looking at you.

Don't even goddamn think about not buying this game. When you got paid last time, they took out money to cover the cost of this game. You are SO LUCKY it only costs like $60, because it's the closest to licking gold you'll ever get.