Monday, March 19, 2007

Uma Thurman is my girlfriend

Yes, it's true, I am in a relationship with Uma Thurman.

Imagine my surprise when I learned the truth. There I was, innocently opening my email, unsuspecting that this would be the day that Kill Bill herself would become my Lady Liaison.

But there it was: The correspondence.

Such a happy day it was! I mean, we've never met, but I did so admire her knobby, man-like feet in Kill Bill! And yeah, so I did think they had the roles reversed in The Truth About Cats and Dogs, in which she played the Hot Chick to Jeneane Garofalo's Frumpy But Interesting Personality Girl. But these things cannot get in the way of our Love.

I was immediately blown away by my dear Uma's caring. To begin our relationship, she immediately expressed concern about my sexual health, explaining that I could get Viagara for very cheap. She went on to point out similar deals on Cialis and other medications that she must have felt would help our relationship become stronger.

And then came the sweet talk, as seen in this excerpt from the very letter that proposed to me her love:

Episode, will put her fledgling acting. Swimsuit lingerie glamour amateur portraits articles! Current castings contact enter. Pics wedding photos stripped dirrty to, source for with. Tyra banks valeria mazza!

My heart, it is going pitter-pat! Here's more from my silver-tongued Hollywood vixen:

Later began fearlessly break, free mass media. Turlington, cindy crawford claudia schiffer elle, macpherson. Yourself, forum posts current castings contact! Tyra banks valeria mazza sabato jr marcus mark. Bridget hall carmen, kass christy turlington cindy, crawford. Interested as its own, art form im, keen. Only, voiced small part.

There are few things hotter than a hot chick saying the names of other hot chicks. It's almost like lesbians, but without most of the awesome lesbian stuff. Still, she knew how to hit my buttons!

All that was really sweet, but it wasn't until the end of the letter when she really poured on the charm, expressing in poetry what she couldn't express in prose:

That hid true self scope talent.
Commercial, timecindy staying powerkate mosstop.
Should reenact steamy kiss, madonna mtv music but?
Been, made darker theme the.

And that, my friends, is why Uma Thurman and I are in love.