Tuesday, November 30, 2004


In a move guaranteed to win them Gamist of the Year Honors, Konami has released Metal Gear Solid 3, the world's first jungle-stealth-sim/literacy-teaching-software-tool IN THE WORLD.

In Metal Gear Solid 3, you play as Snake, who is not yet solid. The year is The Cold War, and you are dropped behind enemy lines in a jungle OF YOUR OWN MAKING, where you must crawl around and complete a mission the objectives of which I couldn't be buggered to figure out. You essentially run around in a grainy jungle with an ill-defined walkmesh, sneaking up on people and cutting their throats. And by "sneaking up on people and cutting their throats," I mean, "talking on that goddamn earphone radio for twelve hours at a time."

Let me explain to you how awesome this is.


Like the groundbreaking Metal Gear Solid, MGS3 is filled with all the verbose, rambling talking bits that made that game and its sequel drag on like a dog with one leg chasing a meat-wrapped squirrel. You and your X button will have many long, intimate nights of banging ahead of you, so buy the flowers now.

A typical exchange in MGS3:


SNAKE: Yes? Who is it?
MITSUKO-CHAN: Snake, where are you? Can you talk?
SNAKE: Uhm, I'm sorta in the middle of fighting a wee snake so I can eat it, can I get you back?
MITSUKO-CHAN: Why don't you want to talk to me ever?
SNAKE: Uhm, what?
MITSUKO-CHAN: You always blow me off and then never call back!! Waaaah!
SNAKE: Well, I'm busy here, cutting people's throats and smearing black makeup on myself....
MITSUKO-CHAN: Did you know that roses grow in cemetaries?
SNAKE: What does that have to do--
MITSUKO-CHAN: I like popcorn!
SNAKE: I don't get your--
MITSUKO-CHAN: Do you like my dress?! I made it myself!
SNAKE: Uhm, Mitsuk--
MITSUKO-CHAN: Oh, it's the boss.
THE BOSS: Snake?
SNAKE: Yeah?
THE BOSS: I have to tell you, Flaccid Mongoose is your third cousin.
SNAKE: I figured.
THE BOSS: Also, your mission has been destroyed. America is cancelled.
SNAKE: Okay.
THE BOSS: Now, get out there and do her proud!
SNAKE: Okay, Boss, talk to you--
THE BOSS: Oh, Mitsuko wants to say bye. Hang on.
SNAKE: Oh, for crying out--
MITSUKO-CHAN: Snake! Did you see my blog?
SNAKE: No, I--
MITSUKO-CHAN: I put up pictures of Ploopie-chan!
SNAKE: That's great, I--


And you die in real life.

Seriously. Your head explodes out of empathy for Snake, whom you politely imagine blowing his own brains out all over the forest and then smearing himself with them to help his goddamned camo score.

The much-touted snake-eating is just you walking up to an animal, whacking it with your knife, and then watching as it turns into a rotating health power-up. Then you walk over it, eating it by stomping on it with your boot.

Then again, that's entirely based on the crappy demo. Maybe the final game is better. Companies often release purposefully crappy demos just to throw people off the scent of how good the final game will be. Right?