Friday, April 29, 2005

A Small Goddamn World

I was sitting here at work, minding my own business, when all of a sudden there it was: a link to a little Flash movie called "A Men's Room Monologue."

It's not the finest film ever made, but it's funny and cute and well done. And it's a freshman film school project. And (get this) it's by someone from my old alma mater.

Man. It was all fun and games until now. I was sitting here, thinking, "Man, life is good. I'm working at a game developer, got my apartment, two cats, and a girl, and I've probably gained like 40lbs. Awesome." But then this damn thing came and showed me that I haven't done a damn thing since I got out of school. My degree has just been sitting there in a glass case with the words, "In case of resume, break glass."

I see Flash cartoons all the time. Some of them are better than this one. But the fact that this is by someone from my old school makes it somehow more inspiring and real. I sit here and compare this with my own Freshman films, and I think, "Self, you suck." This guy has sound and urinals and awesomeness. I had little blobs of Play-doh attacking my friend while he slept.

Since I graduated from RIT in '98, I haven't done a damn thing with my degree. Not a single little film, not a solitary wee script. I have shot short video of my cats making out, but that's it. I complain about having too many ideas and not enough time, but the truth is, I don't make time. I don't. And why?

It's been almost 7 years since I graduated. Life has kicked me in the balls a few times since then; I was dirt poor in San Francisco, I got laid off and laid back on, etc., but that's no excuse. The excuse is that I'm afraid to make something of worth, for some reason. I let myself sit there and play computer games all the time when what I should be doing is learning to use Flash and making little films that I can be proud to have made. Yeah, thousands of people may be playing the game I worked on this past year, but if thirty people see a Flash animation I made, then that's far more "worth it" to me.

When I watched the short linked above, I thought to myself, "I could do that." I'm not sure I could anymore, but damnit, I owe it to myself to try.

Which means I probably won't.